You Might Be The Killer (2019)

 

You Might Be The Killer (2019)
Dir: Brett Simons
Wir: Brett Simons, Covis Berzoyne, Thomas P. Vitale

Camp counselors have it rough nowadays. What with all the stabbings, gougings, head squeezing and general machete mayhem. Sure, the perks of drugs and sex are nice but are they worth a spear through one's duodenum?

Sam (Fran Kranz THE CABIN IN THE WOODS) has become intimately familiar with the former, not so much the later as the camp counselor is on the run from a masked killer. Desperately, as one would, trying to avoid the fate of his fellow counselors he ducks into a cabin to hide and call for help. Does he call the police? Park rangers? Nah, instead he calls his nerd best friend Chuck (Alyson Hannigan BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER). Relaying the horrendous news to her they brainstorm ideas on how he can survive the night. Trouble is, the more that Sam tells of the terrifying events of the last few hours, the more that Chuck suspects that Sam is the masked killer.

YOU MIGHT BE THE KILLER is a hip meta homage to the slasher genre. Like its seminal predecessor SCREAM and the legion of copycats that followed, it knows that the audience is well aware of all the horror tropes and is able to parlay that into a fun and thrilling film. Actors Kranz and Hannigan play off one another despite not sharing the same physical location. Together they bring a playfulness to what otherwise might have been not much more than a by the numbers gorefest. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I've certainly seen FRIDAY THE 13TH multiple times and played the arcade game SPLATTERHOUSE for hours.

Keith David has a cameo as the voice of a sheriff.

Gorey and fun? Sign me up for camp.

*** out of ****

Father's Day (2011)

Dir: Adam Brooks, Jeremy Gillespie, Matthew Kennedy, Steven Kostanski, Conor Sweeney

I should have known better than to watch a Troma film sober.

FATHER'S DAY is a hardcore gore comedy throwback to the exploitation films of yesteryear. The opening of the film is processed to look grainy, streaky and washed out like a 70's film shot on 16MM. The remainder of the film just looks cheaply shot.

The one-eyed patch wearing Ahab (Adam Brooks) lives in seclusion tapping trees for syrup after his release from prison for the vigilante murder of cannibal killer and sodomizer Chris Fuchman (Mackenzie Murdock), a vile man who buggered, slaughtered and dined on the entrails of fathers, including Ahab's when he was a boy. The father killings start again and a young priest, Father Sullivan (Matthew Kennedy), seeks out the help of Ahab to put a stop to the madness. Along the way they are aided by a male prostitute (Conor Sweeney) who's father was savaged by Fuchman, his pimp and Ahab's estranged sister Chelsea (Amy Groening) who works as a stripper. They soon realise that Fuchman is working for the man down below and their fate is to battle it out in Hell.

Topless stripper with chainsaw. Genital mutilation. Obese man's buttocks pumping away during an act of sodomy. Eldritch tome. Incest. Trippy trip to Hell. Lloyd Kaufman as God. Maple syrup. Gratuitous male nudity.

FATHER'S DAY certainly packs in plenty to offend and gross out the viewer. While a few of the jokes are brilliant, such as the ending, most of them fall flat. I'm all for film makers going for the gross out but at some point I grow tired of seeing yet another penis being mutilated.

A number of the actors, writers and directors of this film went on to make the superior THE EDITOR. I think of FATHER'S DAY as the unfocused trial run to THE EDITOR as they both share a love for exploitation, Italian giallos and black humour.

*1/2 out of ****

Fists Of Legend (2013)

Dir: Kang Woo-Suk

Middle aged widower Lim Deok-Kyu (Hwang Jung-Min SHIRI) is down on his luck. The noodle shop he owns, named after his daughter Soo-Bin, is failing. His daughter gets into fights at school and acts like a brat at home. When Hong (Lee Yo-Won ATTACK THE GAS STATION), the producer of a mixed martial arts television programme called Legendary Fighter, gives him a call requesting that he appear on the show, Deok-Kyu jumps at the chance to earn 20 million Won and save his restaurant.

Deok-Kyu at his noodle shop

Legendary Fighter accepts only amateur fighters; retail workers, cooks, salarymen, the unemployed and the like and tests them by putting them in a ring with a middle weight mixed martial arts champion. If the contestants can survive two minutes they are entered into the tournament and have a shot at winning the prize money. Many of the applicants are fat, out of shape and their former glory of being an action man a figment of their imagination. Not Deok-Kyu. He's a one time Olympic boxing hopeful who's skills of yesterday return to him after a few punches to his face and kicks to his legs. Deok-Kyu wins his first tournament and becomes a popular television pop star. Celebrity that drives his noodle business through the roof.

Deok-Kyu's past comes back to haunt him starting with the first match. He's reunited with his group of friends from the class of '88. A time when Chow Yun-Fat and Ti Lung captured the young men's imaginations and one's fists were used to prove manliness. Two of the lost, former friends also agree to be contestants on the programme. As they interact outside the ring, we learn what set them on the paths that changed them all.

Class of '88

The Korean FISTS OF LEGEND packs a lot of emotion into its two and a half hour run time. There's comedy, even a goofball character who claims to be a former spy, 80's sentimentality and nostalgia, plenty of action in the ring, family melodrama and shocking confessions. I didn't connect with any of the characters, even the lead Deok-Kyu who comes across as more of a mope than anything else, so the scenes outside the ring came across as maudlin. The fight scenes are nicely done; a good combination of amateur fighting without looking clumsy and gripping choreography.

Deok-Kyu and former friend Jae-Seok square off

** 1/2 out of ****

Moonwalkers (2015)

Dir: Antoine Bardou-Jacquet

It's less than two weeks away from the Apollo II moon landing. The C.I.A., concerned that any mishap with the space flight or landing could set the U.S. back in the cold war with the Russians, has hatched a plan. If Apollo II is unable to complete their mission then success will be faked. Crazed, hallucinating Vietnam war vet Kidman (Ron Perlman) is to travel to England and convince film maker extraordinaire Stanley Kubrick to film a fake moon landing that can be cut to if Apollo II fails. Kidman sets off with a briefcase of money.

Meanwhile, lovable loser Jonny (Rupert Gint HARRY POTTER series) is struggling in his duties as a manager to get his rock band noticed. He's borrowed a few bob from local mobster Dawson (James Cosmo BRAVEHEART) and Jonny's time to land a recording contract for the band is running out. It doesn't help that the lead singer Glen (Eric Lampaert) touches himself onstage while belting out such songs as 'Take me to the zoo, I fancy that rhino'. Or that Jonny has a terrible knack for booking the band at the wrong type of venue.

Desperate and with Dawson's thugs ready to break bones, Jonny turns to his successful, coke snorting cousin Derek (Stephen Campbell Moore THE CHILDREN) for help. It just so happens that Kidman, posing as a Hollywood producer, also shows up at Derek's office looking for a meeting with Kubrick. Eyeing Kidman's briefcase of money as salvation, Jonny convinces him that he can set up a meeting with Kubrick. Enlisting his hairy drug addled roommate Leon (Robert Sheehan MISFITS television series) to pose as Kubrick during a meeting with Kidman, Jonny is able to fool the flash backing agent to hand over the case. Thinking that a dumb out of his element Yank like Kidman will never find the duo, they splash money around boozing it up. Dawson's informers spot the hapless pair and the next day his goons pay a visit to their flat and confiscate the briefcase of cash. Later, their luck taking an even worse turn, Kidman finds them intent on torturing and killing them.

If you squint really hard, he does look a bit like Kubrick

Jonny, grasping the dire situation that he and Kidman are in, proposes a solution. He'll ask the arty-farty Bohemian Renatus (Tom Audenaert) to direct the film and enlist the hippies and yippies crashing at his mansion to build sets and costumes. Seeing no other option, Kidman agrees.

MOONWALKERS is a clever twist on the old conspiracy theory that the moon landings were faked with footage created by Stanley Kubrick who was chosen because of his film 2001. It is often low brow in its humour, vulgar, packed with T&A and violence, and with numerous nods to Kubrick's films (especially A CLOCKWORK ORANGE); it's a blast. The dumb humour, predictable situations (the stone cold Kidman accidentally taking acid), and throw away jokes all worked for me. Even the bloody shootout at the end which could have been taken from a John Landis script. Perlman's performance anchors the crazed and oft over the top characters that orbit him. I was really surprised by Rupert Grint's acting. It is spot on for this type of film and he acted like he was channeling Robin Askwith which is perfect for this throwback to the saucy British comedy films.

*** out of ****

He Never Died (2015)

Dir: Jason Krawczyk

Writer and director Jason Krawczyk's HE NEVER DIED tells the tale of world weary Jack (Henry Rollins (WRONG TURN 2). Jack likes to sleep, watch television, eat at a local diner, and play bingo. He generally avoids people and keeps to himself. Jack does have a few quirks. There's a trunk in his apartment filled with cash and antique coins. He buys something from the hospital intern Jeremy (Booboo Stewart TALES OF HALLOWEEN) on a weekly basis; something that requires refrigeration. Oh, and he can take a punch to the face, knife to the gut or a gunshot to the hand as if it were nothing. Like breaking a nail.

The film hints as to Jack's true nature early on using not only audio cues but also his deadpan attitude towards events (such as getting shot in the hand) that would be a bit more worrisome to someone fully human.

There is a lot going on lately in Jack's normally quiet life.

A couple of thugs with a beef with Jeremy turn their sights on Jack. Despite getting shot in the hand Jack dispatches the thugs as if he was performing a household chore like taking out the trash. Trouble is the thugs haven't learned a lesson so they bring along more thugs. And when they get a beat down instead of killing Jack they bring in even more thugs. Pretty soon our mystery man Jack is at war with the entire criminal gang.

Then there's something far worse to contend with than a gang war; a daughter. A daughter, Andrea (Jordan Todosey REIGN), who Jack didn't know he had until she shows up on his doorstep and now wants to crash at his place for a few days. A daughter who's pastime seems to be getting drunk and getting DUIs.

Yes, this is a darkly comedic tale.

Henry Rollins' hang dog portrayal of a man who is either oblivious to the world and all that happens in it, or has seen it all over and over to the point of tedium, or both, is spot on. Jack is both powerful and vulnerable as he dukes it out with a gang or fumbles awkwardly on a date with the waitress (Kate Greenhouse THE DARK HOURS) from the local diner he visits day after day. The supporting players all do a good job in service of a script that blends comedy, drama and horror.

*** out of ****

R100 (2013)

Dir: Hitoshi Matsumoto

Middle aged Takafumi Katayama (Nao Omori) sits in a restaurant with an attractive woman drinking coffee. He rambles on about the gorgeousness and gorgeousity of the fourth movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. The woman stands up and kicks him in the face, full force.

Yeah, I'd let her kick me down some stairs as well

Retail Salesman Takafumi, who's wife is in a coma and he must raise their son with help from the father in law, is feeling the pangs of an ordinary existence. Hoping to alleviate his suffering he joins a unique  bondage club. Membership is for one year and the contract cannot be cancelled. The service they provide is that women dressed in leather will attack Takafumi. They will smash his food as he tries to eat at a sushi bar. They will punch him. Whip him. Kick him. Nearly drown him. You probably don't want to know what the Saliva Queen does when it is her turn to service Takafumi.

The thing is that Takafumi has a mind blowing orgasm after each session. It's not until the attacks start to include his son and take place at work that Takafumi thinks there could be anything wrong.

In the throes of a climax

Interspersed throughout the film are short scenes of a small group of people who are watching the film at the same time as the viewer. They are befuddled as to what the film means (but they do offer up an explanation of the film's title). I'm not sure why the film is stopped and they trumble out of the theatre into a waiting room from time to time but then I'm not sure of anything about this film. Like the viewers in the film, I'm befuddled as to what is going on and what, if anything, it all means. Allegedly a comedy, the shtick of Takafumi being attacked grows wearisome and I lost interest in seeing what became of him. I did stick it out and the climatic ending and denouement are just as confusing as the rest of the film.

Director Hitoshi Matsumoto also helmed the mockumentary BIG MAN JAPAN about a man who grows to an enormous size and battles giant monsters. That quirky film at least had some jokes that worked and a world logic I could follow.

Make certain to have a safe word before starting watching this film.

*1/2 out of ****


Official site

Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse (2015)

Dir: Christopher Landon

Scout leader Rogers (David Koechner CHEAP THRILLS) of the American Scouts Society (yes, that is the level of humour one can expect from this film) doesn't have much of a troop. Sure, the fat kid Augie (Joey Morgan) is gung-ho about the organization, but Ben (Tye Sheridan MUD) is ambivalent, and the third and last scout Carter (Logan Miller who also co-stars in THE STANFORD PRISON EXPERIMENT with Sheridan) cracks wise and is trying to talk Ben into leaving the troop to free up time for girls. Tonight is the night they camp in the woods so that Augie can earn a badge. Invited to a party by the cool seniors, Ben and Carter plan on ditching Augie and leaving him at the camp site so they can go party.

All plans are ruined though when a janitor unleashes a zombie being studied at the local bio tech facility. While the scouts were in the woods, a zombie plague swept through the town and the army swept in to evacuate survivors. Entering town, the scouting duo of Ben and Carter encounter deserted streets. Seeing that the bouncer is no longer manning the front door of the strip club Lawrence of Alabia (nudge, nudge) and oblivious to the danger, Ben and Carter enter in hopes of getting an eyeful. Instead they are treated to a zombie stripper. Blinded by boobs, the two need to be rescued by cocktail waitress Denise (Sarah Dumont ACID GIRLS). Together they must fight off the zombies and get to the cool kids' party prior to the army dropping bombs and leveling the town in an attempt to stop the zombie horde.

There's a lot of fun to be had with this horror / comedy. Not much tension and the film isn't scary but the zombie makeup looks good and there's plenty of gore. The leads do a fine job and I particularly like how Denise takes Ben under her wing in an effort to bolster his confidence. She knows that they shouldn't be together as a couple so points him in the right direction for when his Mrs. Right comes along. The writers are smart enough to add those little details that really aid in the comedy springing forth from the characters instead of just another punchline tossed at the audience.

Patrick Schwarzenegger puts in an appearance as does Cloris Leachman as a cranky cat lady.

SCOUTS earns a merit badge for bloody good fun.

*** out of ****


Official site

High Rolling (1977)

aka: High Rolling In A Hot Corvette
Dir: Igor Auzins

Bottoms being out-acted by his mop of hair

When Texas (Joseph Bottoms BLIND DATE) an American kicking about Australia, getting by on his good looks, is fired from his carnie job due to ballin' a woman in the shooting gallery he was supposed to be manning, he grabs his friend Alby (Grigor Taylor INNOCENT PREY) and together they head south. Care free and without money they make their way hitch-hiking. Picked up by a middle aged man in a Corvette, when Arnold the driver puts the moves on Grigor, Grigor clubbers him unconscious and Texas and Grigor seize the opportunity to steal the man's wallet containing hundreds of dollars and his hot Corvette. Being dim as they are, the two don't put two plus two together after  discovering a large quantity of pot stashed in the car along with a pistol. Instead they continue on their way to Surfers Beach, now flush with cash. Along the way they pick up the underage Lynn (Judy Davis BARTON FINK) who plans on becoming a hooker once they reach their destination.

The hot Corvette

At their destination they splash around the stolen cash, assault every woman they see on the street, act like boorish jerks, get ripped off by a couple of cabaret singers and learn the hard way that Arnold is a mobster and intent on tracking down the bastards who stole from him. It all ends with an ill-conceived bus robbery. Bottoms' portrayal of Texas is grating enough but then throw in what is supposed to be a comedic, oh aren't they such scoundrels, caper and it instead drives home that I've regrettably just spent ninety minutes watching a horny scumbag and his dim witted pal act like idiots and wished that they had instead crashed the Corvette when they first  pilfered it and died in a car fire.

This is Judy Davis' first film

Did anyone find this thinly plotted, anger inducing, buddy road picture funny when it was first released? Unless you must see what a right hand drive Corvette looks like or what shops made up the high street on a coastal Aussie city in the '70's, skip this one.

The Australian  band Sherbet provides the soundtrack.

* out of  ****

Deathgasm (2015)

Dir: Jason Lei Howden

When his mum goes mental, teenage metal head Brodie (Milo Cawthorne BLOOD PUNCH) moves in with his seemingly straight laced aunt and uncle and their bully of a son David (Nick Hoskins-Smith). New to town and the school, Brodie settles for hanging out with the Dungeons & Dragons obsessed Dion (Sam Berkley) and his friend Giles (Daniel Cresswell). It's not until he stumbles across an indie record shop that he meets another metal head, Zakk (James Blake). The two hit it off, with Zakk steering them towards petty crime, acts of vandalism and forming a garage band that includes Dion and Giles.

Upon learning that the lead singer, Ricky Daggers (Stephen Ure PERFECT CREATURE), of their favourite old school metal band lives in town, Zakk and Brodie break into his dilapidated home. Among the trash and debris they find a dirty, crazed Ricky and try to steal a limited edition record from him. Curiously, Ricky gives them the album; pleaing that they protect it. Later they discover the record jacket contains sheet music to a song called The Black Hymn and their garage band attempts to play it thinking it is an unrecorded song. Unknown to them, it is a summoning ritual to bring the ancient Aeloth The Blind One unto this plane of existence.

Medina as a Valkyrie

In-between garage sessions with his mates, Brodie develops a crush on class mate Medina (Kimberly Crossman A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO SNUFF), who is dating this cousin David. Jock David doesn't take kindly to a metal head talking with his woman and puts the beat down on Brodie. The callous act drives Medina closer to Brodie and the relationship is clinched when Medina listens to power metal for the first time (an excellently done orgiastic visual).

After successfully playing The Black Hymn and unleashing chaos and zombie mayhem on the neighbourhood, it is up to the group of misfits + hottie to fight the demonic forces and revert the spell they cast.

Writer / director Jason Lei Howden (visual effects artist on many big budget films including THE HOBBIT) has created a metal up your arse Kiwi horror comedy. There's a lot of love evident for the music and subculture even as it parodies them. I must admit that I didn't recognise any of the bands performing on the original soundtrack as I'm more of a classic metal (Sabbath!) metal head. But all of them were great accompaniments to the gory practical FX on display throughout the film. This film is a blast.

All hail DEATHGASM!

*** out of ****


Official site


Curiously, Walmart is selling a re-titled version of the film with different DVD artwork. Were they scared off by the 'gasm' in the title?

Blood Car (2007)

Dir: Alex Orr

It's the future, gas prices are over $30 a gallon and few people drive.

It doesn't look blood car-ish to me

Elementary school teacher Archie (Mike Brune) rides a bicycle to school. He's the kind of vegan who wears a meat is murder t-shirt to work. In his spare time Archie is trying to develop a car that will run on wheat grass. Accidentally cutting his hand while working on the prototype engine, his blood is mixed in with the wheat grass and he is amazed at how well his motor of the future works with a bit of the red sauce. His next step is to tap a vein and convert his gasoline powered car to a blood powered car. Weak from providing fuel from his own body, he graduates to small animals and then humans.

Meat shack on the left

Archie's fall from wheat grass drinkin', tofu eating, upstanding citizen to murder crazed blood car driving bastard is propelled by Denise (Katie Rowlett, wife of director Alex Orr) who gets a hard on anytime a man with motorized wheels stops by her meat shack. Meat shack isn't a euphemism. She sells meat from a wooden shack in what appears to be a state park. Across from her shack is a veggie stand run by good girl Lorraine (Anna Chlumsky HANNIBAL) who has the hots for Archie. Denise will bang Archie's brains out as long as he has a car.

Meanwhile, the government has found out about Archie's invention and would like to know more about the blood car.

BLOOD CAR, a micro-budget horror / comedy short on both horror and comedy, is a message film. I'm not certain what that message is, unless it was telling me to go out and find a hot girlfriend to have kinky sex with. The film makers poke fun at vegans, crass consumerists, the government and our car dependant culture but I found the message to be muddled, the jokes flat and the premise thin.

*1/2 out of ****

The Editor (2014)

Dir: Adam Brooks, Matthew Kennedy

I was not fully prepared to start watching this Canadian horror / comedy that is a parody / homage to the Italian giallo. It took me a few minutes to pick up that THE EDITOR is a loving parody. Bit slow ain't I?

Rey Ciso (co-writer and co-director Adam Brooks) was once a world acclaimed film editor. But the stress from a project crushed him and he had a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized. Cured (?) and ready to re-enter the world of film his only option is to splice together a cheap slasher film. Ciso's nagging wife and actress Josephine (Paz de la Huerta made up to look man-ish) is despondent that they are no longer the talk of the town due to their contribution to the world of art and is unsupportive of her husband.

When Claudio (Brett Donahue), the star of the film within a film / narcissist, and his co-star / sex bomb Veronica (Tristan Risk AMERICAN MARY) are brutally murdered after hours, no nonsense police inspector Peter Porfiry (co-writer and co-director Matthew Kennedy) is brought in under a great amount of pressure by his chief (Jerry Wasserman) to quickly solve the case. The inspector is a chain smoking man's man who knows that a woman needs the back of his hand from time to time (an un-PC joke that pokes fun at the attitude of some during the 70's when giallo was at its height). The bodies continue to pile up and Ciso can't remember where he was during the time of the murders. The inspector suspects Ciso as the murderer and delves into his past with a visit to the strange Dr. Casini (Udo Kier) and to his priest (Laurence R. Harvey THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE II).

The filmmakers are fully committed to making a film that looks and sounds like one of the many giallo released in North America during the VHS glory days. Bold colours, Fulci-esque graphic practical FX, stilted overdubbed dialogue, a black gloved killer and a nonsensical plot more interested in red herrings and shocking twists than coherence. I had a lot of fun recognising the references to Bava, Argento, Fulci (and Cronenberg's VIDEODROME?!?!). Viewers who aren't fans of the giallo genre might be a bit befuddled by the goings on but THE EDITOR is a welcome throwback to the days of old for the fans.

*** out of ****

Bloodsucking Bastards (2015)

Dir: Brian James O'Connell

Salary man Evan (Fran Kranz THE CABIN IN THE WOODS) is not having a good week. When girlfriend Amanda (Emma Fitzpatrick THE COLLECTION) professed her love for him, all he could choke out was a 'No!'. His slacker friend at work Tim (Joey Kern CABIN FEVER) is more interested in playing video games at work than helping Evan with the new product launch that could propel Evan from acting sales manager to sales manager. That glimmer of hope is then dashed when branch president Ted (Joel Murray GOD BLESS AMERICA) brings in the hard driving, charismatic Max (Pedro Pascal GAME OF THRONES) to usurp Evan as the next sales manager. And Max just happens to be a vampire.

To top it all off, Evan works for a company that sells shake weights and male enhancement products!

Oh, what a time to be Evan.

BLOODSUCKING BASTARDS is a horror comedy written and directed by members of the comedy troupe Dr. God. The emphasis is on comedy but once Evan and crew fight back against the vamps trying to turn or kill everyone in the office, blood is splashed everywhere. Neither the comedy nor the horror is all that effective. There are a couple of nicely done visual set ups but it wasn't enough to make up for the only mildly funny humour or my lack of interest in what happens to the characters.

** out of ****


Official web site

Odd Thomas (2014)

Dir: Stephen Sommers

Short order cook Odd Thomas (Anton Yelchin BURYING THE EX) is, well, odd. He has a number of paranormal powers such as the ability to see the dead and psychic radar that leads him to specific locations in his hometown of Pico Mundo where something of import is going to happen or to a person he wants to find. Fearing the reaction of others if they were aware of his abilities, and not wanting to end up like his mother locked up in the loony bin, who may have had the same talents, he doesn't easily let others know what he can see and feel.

Odd trusts Chief Wyatt Porter (William Dafoe) enough to feed him information about solving crimes. The dead, who have been wronged in some way, seek out Odd and wordlessly lead him to the wrong doer that caused the death. The Chief isn't quite sure how Odd is able to pinpoint rapists and killers but as Odd has an impeccable track record they work together to massage the evidence so that it doesn't point to coming from Odd's ability to speak with ghosts.

Odd and Stormy

The love of Odd's life, and the one he trusts above all else, is Stormy (Addison Timlin THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN). Odd knows that they are destined to be together for all time because a mechanical fortune teller at an arcade told him so.

Odd's special sight allows him to see the phantasmagorical creatures called bodachs. Bodachs are attracted to the pain, misery and death of humans. When a strange looking and acting man shows up at the diner where Odd works surrounded by a swarm of bodachs, Odd knows that a great disaster is about to strike Pico Mundo. Odd puts to use his psychic and investigative abilities to delve into what is coming.

Based on a novel by Dean Koontz, writer-director Stephen (THE MUMMY 1999) Sommers' ODD THOMAS is a quirky film that weaves comedy, tension, action, romance and horror together masterfully. Despite Odd's abilities I found the world of the film to be believable, characters not in the know react as expected. There's chemistry between Odd and Stormy; their verbal back and forth sounding like an update of the screwball comedy banter. The CGI bodachs look good and are scary. The acting is well done. Direction is visually exciting without being overwhelming or distracting.

The film ends with a setup for a sequel. If one is made I'll watch.

*** 1/2 out of ****

Cooties (2014)

Dir: Jonathan Milott, Cary Murnion

Aspiring writer Clint (Elijah Wood MANIAC) has left Brooklyn for the suburban splendour of his hometown Fort Chicken, Illinois and moved in with his mother with plans of completing his horror novel about a possessed boat. To make ends meet he takes a job as a substitute teacher at the local elementary school. The other teachers and faculty are a wacky lot. There's Rebekkah (Nasim Pedrad SCREAM QUEENS) the right wing gun nut who bemoans Illinois' lack of concealed carry (since remedied), Rick (Jorge Garcia LOST) a crossing guard more interested in scoring dope than protecting the little ones, ex-jock Wade (Rainn Wilson SUPER) who is well past his glory days of high school football, Lucy (Alison Pill SNOWPIERCER), who Clint still pines for, and a slew of other wild and crazy characters who would be locked up instead of teaching kids if this was real life instead of a zom com.

Where does the zom, as in zombie, come in?

One of the tykes eats an infected chicken nugget. Harassed in class by a couple of bullies, the girl turns full on, fast moving zombie just in time to bite off a chunk of her tormentor's face. From there the infection quickly spreads from child to child. No longer hungry for nuggets the children turn to the adults. Trapped in the school our gang of plucky heroes must find a way to survive.

I was so looking forward to the hilarity of adults smacking around zombie children upon learning of this film. There is some of that, but I didn't find it laugh out loud funny like I did the baby scene in Peter Jackson's BRAINDDEAD (or do you say DEAD ALIVE?). The rest of the film is meh. COOTIES isn't a bad film, there are laughs to be had, but I was very under whelmed especially considering the talent involved.

** out of ****

Dead Rising: Watchtower (2015)

Dir: Zach Lipovsky

A zombie film based on a video game series? What was I thinking renting this? Zombies are one of my favourite monsters but even I'm starting to think that perhaps, and I do mean perhaps, the zombie genre is a bit over saturated and it is time for film makers who aren't going to bring anything new to the genre to do something else instead. And has there ever been a good film based on a video game?

Chase and Jordan interview Crystal

When a third outbreak of zombiesm hits the town of East Mission Oregon, Internet reporter Chase Carter (Jesse Metcalfe THE TORTURED) and his camera woman Jordan (Keegan Connor Tracy FINAL DESTINATION 2) are on the scene at the quarantine zone run by F.E.Z.A. (Federal Emergency Zombie Agency). It's up to F.E.Z.A. to evacuate the city safely and administer the daily dosage of Zombrex, a drug that staves off zombiesm in people infected during the previous outbreaks. Chase is secretly recording footage in a medical tent, because he is a bit of a jerk and doesn't mind trampling on the privacy of others to get a good story, when the just treated get all bitey and attack the medical staff and other evacuees. In the ensuing chaos of zombies munching away on the not too fleet of foot, Chase and Jordan are separated.

Frank West, celebrity zombie survivor

Jordan makes it to a military check point just before the exits are sealed and the soldiers light up anyone who comes close to the barricades. Word has gotten out about the failure of Zombrex to prevent zombiesm and it is suspected that a new strain of the virus is the cause; a new strain that may now be air borne. General Lyons (Dennis Haysbert 24) arrives on scene with back up to prevent anyone else from escaping the quarantine zone. Orders have been given to fire bomb the city in 48 hours. Why the military needs to wait 48 hours considering they are shooting families who get too close to the check point is beyond me.

Meanwhile, Chase has hooked up with tough girl Crystal (Meghan Ory DARK HOUSE) who knows a thing or two about surviving a zombie apocalypse and Maggie (Virginia Madsen CANDYMAN) a mother who had to kill her own daughter with a Swiss army knife when the dosage of Zombrex failed. Chase isn't as dumb as he acts and starts putting the pieces together as to what is really happening with the aid of Jordan and a newscaster at UBN he had a one night stand with years ago. It's up the the trio inside the quarantine zone to dodge the biker gang looting anything and everything in the now zombie infested city while collecting the evidence they need to prove to the world the truth about this outbreak and be allowed to exit the quarantine zone before the city is turned to ash.

I admit that I did squeal like a little girl during this scene

Competently directed by Zach Lipovsky (LEPRECHAUN:ORIGINS) this zom com does not have much to offer other than the same old same old done to undeath. The banter between the uptight UBN anchor woman and guest Frank West, who survived the first zombie outbreak and used his experience to become a celebrity, is amusing with Frank keepin' it real and telling the kids in the audience to collect as many weapons as possible to safely take out the rest of the family once they turn. The practical FX on display are kept to a minimum, due to the low budget and tight shooting schedule, consist mostly of zombies spitting fake blood from their mouths and splashes of the red, red kroovy here and there. Virgina Madsen is the only member of the cast that sold me on her character (Dennis Haysbert is given only a few lines of dialogue and I'd be surprised to find out if he was on set longer than a day).

Not much comedy. Not much gore. Not much to anything to recommend it.

* 1/2 out of ****

Kill Zombie! (2012)

aka: Zombibi
Dir: Martijn Smits, Erwin van den Eshof

It is the best and worst day for Camp and Bell salary man Aziz (Yahya Gaier). The office hottie Tess (Nadia Poeschmann) has asked Aziz out for drinks after work. But his jealous manager overhears the proposal and fires Aziz using the excuse that Aziz's partying brother Mo (Mimoun Ouled Radi) has been calling too much. A despondent Aziz stops by the pool party Mo is at and the two run afoul of a couple of would be gang bangers, Jeffrey (Sergio Hasselbaink) and Nolan (Uriah Arnhem). Police are called to break up the fisticuffs, or more accurately macho posturing, and the four are hauled off to jail where tough no nonsense officer Kim (Gigi Ravelli) is in charge.

The next morning the prisoners awake to find the police station deserted and looking as if a bloody fight occurred and the Amsterdam neighbourhood in ruins.

Amsterdamned!

After being attacked by strangely acting and oddly looking people and tuning into the news, they are able to piece together what happened over night. A Russian satellite crashed into a nearby building and the space virus it carried infected the populace turning them into green slime spewing zombies with a taste for human flesh.

Banding together the group hits a local sporting goods shop to gather weapons with the ultimate goal of reaching the perimeter of the quarantine area the authorities have set up. Aziz, learning that Tess is stranded at the office and threatened by the ghouls, strikes out to save her, a reluctant Kim following. The rest of the band is talked into robbing a bank by Joris (Noel Deelen) another prisoner from the jail.

With its mix of comedy, horror and zombies, KILL ZOMBIE!'s obvious influence is SHAUN OF THE DEAD. It doesn't come close to achieving the brilliance of the Simon Pegg, Nick Frost and Edgar Wright loving homage to the zombie genre. It goes for the easy, tired joke. The main actors are likable enough and look like they were having a lot of fun on set. I enjoyed a Netherlands take on George Romero's zombie world, but I rarely laughed at the stupid antics.

** out of ****

Everly (2014)

Dir: Joe Lynch

Everly (Salma Hayek) is at a turning point. She has been gang raped by the thugs of Yakuza boss Taiko (Hiroyuki Watanabe) in retaliation for changing from kept woman to police informant. Taking a moment in the bathroom of the apartment owned by Taiko and the scene of her punishment she tries desperately to contact the police detective who flipped her. Unable to get a hold of him and with the scum banging at the door she contemplates putting the stashed pistol in her hand to her head and pulling the trigger.

The banging at the door increases in intensity. A man's voice gets angrier.

Everly decides to fight back.

That's the plot of this film directed by Joe Lynch (CHILLERAMA). Everly in the apartment as wave after wave of professional and would be assassins try to take her out and appease her infuriated former lover Taiko. After dispensing with the rapists, word quickly gets out to her prostitute neighbours that there's a bounty on her head and they come out of the wood work to take her down and collect the reward. Then mercenaries, the police and odd ball characters all converge on the apartment. I lost track of the variety of weapons used; shotgun, sai, revolver, SMG, machine gun, RPG, meat cleaver, the list goes on and on.

Everly isn't a trained killer though. She's no LEON with decades of practice under her belt. Instead she survives the attack by luck and determination. The viewer has to crank up their disbelief level as it takes a lot of acceptance that Everly survives even the first encounter.

Yale Hannon's screenplay, Joe Lynch's direction and Salma Hayek's likability keep interest up while one implausible encounter after another occurs as if we were watching a Wile E. Coyote cartoon or playing a video game. The amount of blood and gore splashed around blew me away. I wasn't expecting more red stuff on display here than in most of the horror films I've seen. I'd peg this at an eight on the Chas Balun Gore Score.

I was able to suspend disbelief up to a point but one weird situation after another, all taking place in one apartment, became a bit too much. And the shifts from and to light comedy, action, and splatter were sometimes clunky and out of place.

** 1/2 out of ****

WolfCop (2014)

Dir: Lowell Dean

Womanizer and drunkard Lou Garou (a play on words of the French shape shifter loup-garou) is a piss poor cop in the town of Woodhaven. He shows up late to work and hung over much to the consternation of fellow cop Tina (Amy STRANDED Matysio) and anger of the chief (Aidan OUTLANDER Devine). Garou (Leo CORNER GAS: THE MOVIE Fafard) has solved only one case so far this year, more than likely due to spending a good chunk of the work day at the local watering hole owned by Jessica (Sarah SEVERED Lind).

One night while investigating a call about a disturbance in the woods, Garou stumbles across a mayoral candidate strung upside down from a tree. Then blackness. Waking up the next morning with his usual headache and an unusual pentagram carved into his chest he shrugs it off and heads into work. Later that night while downing shot after shot at Jessica's bar, an odd feeling overcomes Garou. Oh, it happens to be the first night of the full moon.

There's not much plot to this grindhouse / B move comedy horror romp. Garou hooks up with the local gun shop owner / conspiracy believer Willie (Jonathan HOUSE OF THE DEAD Cherry) and together they work out why Garou is so hairy and just happens to shape shift into a werewolf by the light of the full moon. Second to downing as much booze as possible, the werewolf version of Garou does some actual police work. Sure, that police work involves tearing perps apart with his claws, but at least WolfCop is cleaning up the streets.

WOLFCOP leans more to the comedy side of the horror comedy genre but that doesn't mean it lacks in the gore department; blood is splashed around by the bucket full. It's a lot of fun.

*** out of ****

The Laughing Dead (1989)

Dir: Somtow Sucharitkul (S.P. Somtow)

Many years ago at a Fangoria convention I was hanging out at a dealer table with a couple of people with whom I'd traded bootleg films on VHS. They were telling me about a fun film called THE LAUGHING DEAD. The film hadn't been officially released yet but somehow it was leaked and that's how the bootleggers had gotten their hands on it and were now selling it at the convention. Along comes a man to the table with his son and I presumed his son's friend seeing as they looked nothing like one another. The man asks the peddlers of obscurity on VHS about what they have that's new and exciting. The one dealer starts gushing about a gory low budget film called THE LAUGHING DEAD. The other dealer is nudging the first because he has noticed that the man is wearing a jacket with the name S.P. Somtow on it, the same name as the director of the film. The man was indeed the director. Somtow did not seem angry, and as far as I know never reported the bootleggers. As the film was in limbo and no distribution deal on the horizon, Somtow stated that he was just happy to know that someone was able to watch and enjoy the film.

Father O'Sullivan (Tim Sullivan) has been plagued by strange dreams involving Mayan gods and sacrifice. He is haunted as well by an affair he had years ago with a nun, the guilt and stress prompting him to question his faith. But all that isn't going to stop him from leading a party of oddballs on a trip to Oaxaca Mexico to take in the Festival of the Laughing Dead. Along for the bus ride are troubled teen Laurie (played by the director's sister Premika Eaton), a quarreling new age couple who constantly chant and fondle crystals, a loud mouth who enjoys telling terrible jokes at top volume and his stuck up traveling companion. Unknown to the Father, his former forbidden love and her son have signed up for the tour, she thinks it is time to let the boy know who his father is.

Director Somtow looking very Mayan

Once in Mexico, a trip that appears to take two days of driving non-stop on a bus without a bathroom due to messed up day for night shots, the group checks into a hotel on the edge of the village holding the festival. In order to get in some bonding time with his crotch fruit, the Father takes the boy into the village. While buying treats created for the celebration, an old woman approaches the priest begging for his help to save her possessed grand daughter. Reluctantly, he agrees and follows the woman to her home. There he meets the daughter's father, Dr. Um-tzec (Somtow), who is more interested in playing piano than fretting over his demon possessed, screaming daughter. Saying a few words over the Linda Blair like writhing and gnashing daughter, the Father is shocked by her casual response of tearing open her chest cavity, ripping out her heart and offering him the still beating organ. She then proceeds to tear out his heart and in the process curses the Father to start down the road to becoming the next Mayan death god (the current one wants to retire).

Have a heart father!

The good father is always willing to lend a hand, an elbow, an entire arm

Mayan death gods are nothing to sneeze at as they can imbue one with the ability to wretch an arm from the socket, punch a fist through a human's skull and conjure forth a Mayan zombie basketball team. It's up to the holiday makers to save the fallen Father from the prophecy that will change him into a god when he sacrifices his son. Why yes, it does involve a climatic basketball game between zombies and humans.

Sci-fi, horror novelist Somtow wears many hats on his first film, musician, writer, actor and director. He cast family, fellow writers and friends in most roles so don't expect much thespian prowess on display. Instead expect an incoherent  plot that blends comedy and horror, non actors having a blast making a film and outrageous gore. The gore was provided by John Carl Buechler's team and is often inventive. And that's the reason to watch this film, the FX. The film starts out slow, taking its time to build up characters (it doesn't work), then takes off in a demonic, zombied frenzy of blood, gore, rubber monsters and basket ball.

** out of ****