Crossbreed (2019)

Crossbreed (2019)
Director: Brandon Slagle
Writer: Brandon Slagle, Robert Thompson

In the not too distant future man has discovered interstellar travel and built colonies on the moon. Space travel has become part of every day life, so much so that there's space pirates. When space pirates capture an alien life form the bad ass Madame President Henricksen (Vivica A. Fox KILL BILL) and her wise crackin' Secretary of Defense Weathers (Daniel Baldwin KING OF THE ANTS) jump into action to avert space war by hiring their own mercenaries. Their go to man is the owner of a moon bar.

Said man, Ryker (Stink 'that's my name' Fisher), puts a team together and they assault the space base orbiting the earth. It just so happens the space base looks a lot like the bowels of an industrial complex or large watercraft. I'm sure there's a space explanation for that. We get to see a lot of the bowels up and close as we watch the team take out the space pirates and discover that the alien they were sent to rescue has escaped its prison and mutated. Now it hunts the team as they desperately try and make it to the space exit.

Yet another of the low budget monster movies inspired by ALIEN, its sequel ALIENS and any of the other sci-fi films that hit it big (PREDATOR, SPECIES), CROSSBREED has none of their appeal. Sure we have the macho men with their space weapons and attempted witty, testosterone fueled banter but it never clicks. The cardboard characters are forgettable, the action scenes poorly staged and the monster of this creature feature so dull that we can't muster sympathy or bother to cheer it on as it tears through the cast of dimwits.

I was impressed by a couple of things in the film. The oft repeated CGI footage of a space base looked good as did some of the locations they were able to secure for scenes with the President and her Secretary. But then we'd jump right back to the industrial bowels where the meat of the film is set with the low rent BLADE RUNNER esthetics and production.

Daniel Baldwin at least looks to be having fun with his character. So much so that I'm wondering if he was in on the joke that CROSSBREED is not an homage to the sci-fi films of decades ago but a parody. That would explain the script's poorly written characters and comedic dialogue.

Vernon Wells is in the film for a few minutes at the beginning portraying a hard man. Sadly, the director and editor couldn't figure out how to make a seventy something year old move like a bad ass so we are left with Wells' scowl to convey it.

Set phasers to kill if CROSSBREED pops up on your radar.

*1/2 out of ****

Sick: Survive The Night (2012)

Sick: Survive The Night (2012)
Director: Ryan M. Andrews
Writers: Ryan M. Andrews, Chris Cull

Yawn. Yet another low budget zombie film. This one had so little money it explains what happened to the world by showing the reaction of a character as she listens to multiple newscasts via a radio. No stock footage of riots. No archival video of cities collapsing. Just a medium shot of a face as we hear the tale of a virus infecting humanity and turning people into mindless flesh eating creatures.

Two years after civilization collapsed four groups remain. There's the research lab protected by military who are looking for a cure. The pointdexters are led by Dr Rozetta who frequently verbally clashes with the soldiers in what looks like a school. The second group are those humans that have banded together to build a settlement for protection. The third group are the vultures who swoop down on weaker parties to steal and scavenge from them. The last group are the brain chomping, once human, monsters. At least the last group I understood what they were doing in the film. Their motivation was to eat humans. Not sure what everyone else was up to. Anyway, representatives from all four groups converge on a single family dwelling to battle it out.

Curiously, the script isn't packed with wall to wall zombie (mutant?) action. Instead we are regaled by the inexperienced thespians as they chew through page after page of talking without saying anything, yelling and crying. I can't recall another zombie film with this much crying.

Romero's DAY OF THE DEAD (an obvious inspiration) highlighted the bickering that stems from being confined with people you don't see eye to eye with but that film had a smart script and actors who brought the characters to life. Here we have characters sitting at school desks, or on a sofa, bitchin' and moaning about idiotic things. There's a character who is supposed to be a bad ass bitch but she is gut shot and out of the film before we see her doing anything other than posturing. Another character ties up his teammate threatening to kill him for reasons that I couldn't fathom. And I suspect the writers couldn't convince anyone of their explanation either.

SICK is one tedious scene after another. The Canadian film offers nothing new, and can't rise to being an entertaining zombie film. It doesn't have to be good, it only has to keep my interest.

Genre darling Debbie Rochon plays a scientist at a remote location who sends video reports to the protagonists' lab.

* out of ****

Shark Night 3D (2011)

Shark Night 3D (2011)
Director: David R. Ellis
Writers: Will Hayes, Jesse Studenberg

Six hot and diverse college students plus the comedic relief travel to rich kid Sara's mansion on a lake in Louisiana for a weekend of partying and water sports. The hedonistic escape gets off to a rough start when the group runs into a couple of racist rednecks at the local trading post. It takes a drastic turn for the worse when they discover that sharks are on the hunt in the salt water lake. Events get even worse for our group looking only to drink beer and screw when they discover the reason why sharks infest the water.

We all know why we are here sitting in front of our television watching a film called SHARK NIGHT 3D. We want to be entertained by T&A or beefcake and see inventive gory kills. A bit of tension, a little bit of jump scares, would be icing on the cake. Instead we have a neutered PG-13 film that lacks the very elements the audience wants. Does the distributor really think this film's audience is mostly comprised of people unable or unwilling to watch an R rated film? Is that why the script and therefore the characters are so dumb? When the sharks and a pet dog are the smartest creatures on screen, your script has issues.

I can forgive, or go along with a certain amount of stupidity in a low budget let's kill off the characters one by one type of film. But there are only so many inanities I'm willing to forgive and forget. SHARK NIGHT has far too many. The biggest shocks of the film are when the characters act smart.

Generally the acting is fine, especially considering the poor script. Donal Logue (BLADE) as the good ol' boy sheriff is a highlight. But he might have been given the script to a different shark film as his character is often at odds with the tone of this film.

SHARK NIGHT 3D is never scary, doesn't build up any tension outside of one short scene with the dog and doesn't deliver on the shark gore. Find a different lake to jet ski on.

 

*1/2 out of ****

Zombies (2017)

Zombies (2017)
Writer & Director: Hamid Torabpour

Oh look! Another zombie film. This one is so cliched and tired the filmmakers didn't even bother with setting up the zombie apocalypse world. The characters know they are up against the flesh eating dead, all of them calling the undead zombies, and know that to put them down for once and for all it takes a headshot. It's like even the characters have seen scores of zombie films, and just four weeks into the fall of civilization they all know the rules.

I must admit that I couldn't follow the plot. There's something about Luke (Steven Luke) and Sommers (Tony Todd star of the best remake of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD) teaming up with two zombie hunters Bena (Raina Hein) and Tala (Amanda Day) to stop a one eye villainess (Heidi Fellner) and save humanity but I'm not sure how they are to do that by running around blowing off zombie heads and dual wielding machetes. The villainess, who I thought was going to be the big boss of the film, is dispatched early leaving our intrepid heroes to defend a farm from a rampaging horde as the grand finale. It's almost like two zombie scripts were merged together poorly and no one bothered to maintain continuity or uniformity throughout. Amid all the CGI bloodshed I was wondering why characters acted like they've known one another for a long time but say that they've only just met.

 

 

The one light in this celluloid mess is Tony Todd. His role is an underwritten mess but he makes the best of it.

George Cameron Romero, yes he is the son of, is one of many producers.

Dale's Pale Ale, an excellent brew, makes an appearance.

Unless you need to see all of Tony Todd's films or just have to watch a six pack of Dale's Pale Ale appear on screen, skip this.

* 1/2 out of ****

Antrum (2018)

Antrum (2018)
The Deadliest Film Ever Made

Dir: David Amito, Michael Laicini
Wir: David Amito, Michael Laicini

In this pseudo-documentary we are presented with the mystery surrounding the lost / cursed film ANTRUM. Completed in the late '70s, the film was submitted to and rejected by various film festivals. The festival directors shortly thereafter died under circumspect circumstances. During showings in the '80s and '90s a fire and a riot broke out killing theatregoers. The film remained unseen until a copy was found and is now presented as part of this documentary.

We, the viewer, are presented ANTRUM in all its '70s faded and scratched beauty. A tale of an older sister and her younger brother traveling into the woods to find antrum, the entrance to hell, so that they might rescue their recently deceased dog. Marvel at the sheer scariness that is the two digging a hole with shovels!

The surface plot is a bit boring. Two children digging a hole and learning that demons and eldritch creatures are not the scariest things in the forest. The real plot, which we learn of very slowly, is the message the sister is trying to impart to her brother via her telling of the fable she has spun. She includes a grimoire created by someone named Ike! She wants little brother to learn a life lesson and the best way to do it is by him getting his hands dirty. Throw in a second twist in an effort to jolt awake the audience and you've got yourself a film.

I must commend the filmmakers for their craft in creating the sister's fable. It caught me off guard although all the pieces and clues were there. Having said that, I was often weary of the plodding pace of the film, especially since the documentary and film have a combined running time of 95 minutes. The tale would have been far more effective if condensed down to an hour. The 'second ending' or second twist could have been eliminated completely and seems to be included only to make up for the lack of shock and suspense in the rest of the film.

The filmmakers are to be commended for making a film that is a bit different but the pacing and lack of character development kept me from embracing it. That and I never found the film to be scary.

** out of ****

You Might Be The Killer (2019)

 

You Might Be The Killer (2019)
Dir: Brett Simons
Wir: Brett Simons, Covis Berzoyne, Thomas P. Vitale

Camp counselors have it rough nowadays. What with all the stabbings, gougings, head squeezing and general machete mayhem. Sure, the perks of drugs and sex are nice but are they worth a spear through one's duodenum?

Sam (Fran Kranz THE CABIN IN THE WOODS) has become intimately familiar with the former, not so much the later as the camp counselor is on the run from a masked killer. Desperately, as one would, trying to avoid the fate of his fellow counselors he ducks into a cabin to hide and call for help. Does he call the police? Park rangers? Nah, instead he calls his nerd best friend Chuck (Alyson Hannigan BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER). Relaying the horrendous news to her they brainstorm ideas on how he can survive the night. Trouble is, the more that Sam tells of the terrifying events of the last few hours, the more that Chuck suspects that Sam is the masked killer.

YOU MIGHT BE THE KILLER is a hip meta homage to the slasher genre. Like its seminal predecessor SCREAM and the legion of copycats that followed, it knows that the audience is well aware of all the horror tropes and is able to parlay that into a fun and thrilling film. Actors Kranz and Hannigan play off one another despite not sharing the same physical location. Together they bring a playfulness to what otherwise might have been not much more than a by the numbers gorefest. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I've certainly seen FRIDAY THE 13TH multiple times and played the arcade game SPLATTERHOUSE for hours.

Keith David has a cameo as the voice of a sheriff.

Gorey and fun? Sign me up for camp.

*** out of ****

The Ritual (2017)

Dir - David Bruckner
Wir - Joe Barton

After a night of drinking at a pub, five friends make a stop to pick up more booze at a shop. Their timing is unfortunate as thugs are in the middle of robbing the place. Oblivious to their surroundings, two of the friends enter the shop. A decision that will affect all the friend's lives. At the end of the night one man lays dead. The other cowering behind shelving, all courage drained from his soul.

Six months later, the four remaining friends are on a backpacking excursion in Sweden to honour their dead friend. Tensions are a bit high as some openly accuse Luke (Rafe Spall) of cowardice and blame him for their friend's death. The rift between friends is widened when Dom (Sam Troughton) hurts his knee and his mates (Arsher Ali and Robert James-Collier) think he's being overly dramatic. As a compromise the group goes off trail and takes a short cut through the woods in hopes of arriving at their final destination earlier than planned. In these types of films it's never a wise idea to stray from the path. Or to walk through the woods.

With Dom's bad knee and his need to frequently rest the backpackers don't make it far and decide to take refuge in an abandoned cabin for the night. And that decision is made despite carvings in the trees by the cabin and Luke thinking that he hears something prowling around the forest. If I spotted weird pagan symbols carved into the trees encircling a disused cabin in the woods I'd keep on marching, but then we wouldn't have much of a film would we? Kipping for the night when they awake they realize, but choose to ignore, that something really bad happened during the night. One man pissed himself, another cries in the corner, the third has odd marks on his chest and the fourth is kneeling before a pagan idol made from wood, apparently worshiping it in his sleep. Bags are packed and out the door they go. Deeper into the seemingly unending woods.

I do enjoy a good folk horror film and this is a good one. While the set up is reminiscent of many horror films, a group of people lost in the woods, without phone service, being hunted by something, THE RITUAL is smarter than most of them. For starters there aren't any scenes of them walking and walking only to arrive back at the spot they started. The few stupid mistakes they make are believable ones, ones that the average person in dire straits may make themselves. There's no scene with a car unable to turn over, or we knocked out the bad guy so let's run away instead of finishing him off rubbish. With the exception of Luke, who has a well defined character arc, the other characters aren't as fleshed out but are likeable.  The pagan themes tie in well to the forest where most of the films takes place. The landscape, Romania filling in for the film's setting of Sweden, is breathtaking. I'd hike there. If I had an amulet to ward off the gods, creatures and minions of the old world.

Tense, scary and smarter than your average woodland animal, THE RITUAL is a path worth exploring.

Director David Bruckner also helmed a segment of the excellent anthology SOUTHBOUND.

*** out of ****

Southbound (2015)

Dir: Roxanne Benjamin, David Bruckner, Patrick Horvath, Radio Silence

Is the traditional style horror anthology film dead? Will we ever see a set up like THE VAULT OF HORROR or TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE: THE MOVIE again? A style that usually includes a host who introduces each segment with each story being separate from the others save for being part of the wrap around segment. Post PULP FICTION must we always have plot threads intertwined and jumps in the time line? Or am I just a grumpy old man pining for the days of yesteryear? And why am I complaining about it when it does work, as seen in the entertaining, and bewildering SOUTHBOUND.

There's no Crypt Keeper but there is a road, a cursing D.J. (Larry Fessenden) and the characters of the five segments to tie everything together. The opening segment, The Way Out, is about two men (Chad Villella and Matt Bettinelli-Olpin who both appear in V/H/S) trying to escape from floating, tentacled reapers after committing an unnamed act. Stopping at a gas station / diner, the two find themselves trapped in the small town, unable to escape.

The second tale, Siren, involves an all girl punk band (Fabianne Therese STARRY EYES, Hannah Marks SLASH and Nathalie Love ) traveling in a VW camper to their next gig. When one of their tires blows out stranding them in the middle of nowhere, they grudgingly accept a lift from an odd acting couple (Susan Burke and Davey Johnson). The couple invites them into their home, which with its outdated decor looks like Squaresville to the young rockers. Things take an even odder turn when the neighbours (Anessa Ramsey THE SIGNAL and Dana Gould, a producer of THE SIMPSONS) stop by for a mystery meat dinner.

The third story, The Accident, has a distracted driver (Mather Zickel) running over a young woman on a remote stretch of road. Calling 911 the driver is giving instructions to pick up the seriously wounded woman from the road and drive into a town that appears deserted. Carrying the woman into an apparently abandoned hospital, the 911 dispatcher's requests take a turn into TWILIGHT ZONE territory.

A man (David Yow BLEED) with a shotgun busts into a bar looking for his long lost sister (Tipper Newton THE ABCs OF DEATH) in the fourth tale, Jailbreak. Only to find that his sister wants to remain lost. And keeps company with some unsavory types.

The last yarn, The Way In, has dad, mom and their daughter (Gerald Downey A VOICE IN THE DARK, Kate Beahan THE WICKER MAN remake, Hassie Harrison DEMENTIA) on one last holiday together as the daughter is now grown up. Answering knocks at the front and back doors of the motel they are staying at, the family sees masked men with evil intent on their minds surrounding the room.

SOUTHBOUND is one weird ride with heavy emphasis on the ambiguous and leaving mysteries unexplained. The floating reapers from the first tale of terror appear throughout the film but I don't fully understand their meaning. I was also thinking that the bar in the fourth yarn was a hang out for werewolves! Yes, it took me that long to pick up on what was really going on. Despite my bafflement I enjoyed SOUTHBOUND and its collection of oblique weird tales. The direction, writing and acting are all good. There's a fair amount of gore and a couple of very black, dark gags to please the gorehounds in the audience.

*** out of ****

He Never Died (2015)

Dir: Jason Krawczyk

Writer and director Jason Krawczyk's HE NEVER DIED tells the tale of world weary Jack (Henry Rollins (WRONG TURN 2). Jack likes to sleep, watch television, eat at a local diner, and play bingo. He generally avoids people and keeps to himself. Jack does have a few quirks. There's a trunk in his apartment filled with cash and antique coins. He buys something from the hospital intern Jeremy (Booboo Stewart TALES OF HALLOWEEN) on a weekly basis; something that requires refrigeration. Oh, and he can take a punch to the face, knife to the gut or a gunshot to the hand as if it were nothing. Like breaking a nail.

The film hints as to Jack's true nature early on using not only audio cues but also his deadpan attitude towards events (such as getting shot in the hand) that would be a bit more worrisome to someone fully human.

There is a lot going on lately in Jack's normally quiet life.

A couple of thugs with a beef with Jeremy turn their sights on Jack. Despite getting shot in the hand Jack dispatches the thugs as if he was performing a household chore like taking out the trash. Trouble is the thugs haven't learned a lesson so they bring along more thugs. And when they get a beat down instead of killing Jack they bring in even more thugs. Pretty soon our mystery man Jack is at war with the entire criminal gang.

Then there's something far worse to contend with than a gang war; a daughter. A daughter, Andrea (Jordan Todosey REIGN), who Jack didn't know he had until she shows up on his doorstep and now wants to crash at his place for a few days. A daughter who's pastime seems to be getting drunk and getting DUIs.

Yes, this is a darkly comedic tale.

Henry Rollins' hang dog portrayal of a man who is either oblivious to the world and all that happens in it, or has seen it all over and over to the point of tedium, or both, is spot on. Jack is both powerful and vulnerable as he dukes it out with a gang or fumbles awkwardly on a date with the waitress (Kate Greenhouse THE DARK HOURS) from the local diner he visits day after day. The supporting players all do a good job in service of a script that blends comedy, drama and horror.

*** out of ****